Talk:The Escape From Pain/@comment-6794436-20161126002420
Well, I mean, at least you put effort into it... Good: Like I said, you put a lot of effort into this and it shows. Also, it's compentently written, so that's another plus. Bad: Alright, first and foremost, the length. This pasta was waaaay too long than it should've been, and just looking at the sheer length of this piece made it an intimidating read, especially given the quality. Another glaring issue was the grammar. It wasn't trollpasta or 10 year old level bad, but there were numerous grammatical errors that even a quick glance of a proofread could've fixed. The characters in this pasta really don't act like people. They say strange things that nobody would say and don't really act like normal people, meaning the dialogue is utter trash. A perfect example of this would be Lara and pretty much the rest of the characters' idiocy when it comes to cancer research. Nick talks about cancer research, is proven wrong, and then is instantly thought to be delusional or mentally impaired? Who the fuck thinks like that? At best, that just means that Nick said the wrong source by accident and at worst that just means he was lying and simply trying to get his father's hopes up! Not to mention the fact that I seriously doubt that Kansas News has no reports on a cure for cancer, as it's such a pressing topic that is under constant research. I mean, a simple google search will bring up tons of news articles related to cancer and people who claim to have cures. Also, how he couldn't have explained this to literally anybody else baffles me, including the police officers. He could've easily said he was a medical student attempting to make a cure for cancer, but then again in this universe that means you have clinical insanity. Some of the descriptions used were also quite strange and pointless, such as the description of Carl Zoke which was random. This brings me to my next point, that some of the names in this story are just plain stupid. Carl Zoke and Larry and Lara (Seriously, you couldn't come up with anything else other than Larry and Lara), are perfect examples of this. Now, I'm no scientist, and I understand that creepypastas aren't real, but come on some of this stuff just makes absolutely no sense. Suspension of disbelief is what fuels creepypastas, and this one just really has none. I mean, you're telling me that this dude can build a 3-D printer on his own, fuckin mutilates a chicken, and then that dead chicken's lung is able to help in any way shape or form? That just makes absolutely no sense! If you're gonna have these ridiculous, illogical acts in your pasta, at least find a way to make some explanation, because even if the explanation itself makes no sense, you could chock it up to this story taking place in the future. Also, the father is a complete illogical douche. I mean, some of the things he says to his son just make no sense and/or are cruel to say to your son who obviously loves you. Another big, glaring issue are the flashbacks. This isn't the script for a movie, you can't just put (flashback) and have it not ruin the flow of your story. If you're going to use flashbacks, use them correctly by saying something like: "Nick remembered the time that..." or, "2022 was a rough year when..." so that the flow of the story is maintained and it doesn't come across as abrupt or out of place. '''Verdict: '''4/10- It isn't trollpasta bad and it's competently written enough to not warrant Needs work, but this seriously needs work. A lot of topics included in this need a shit ton more research and the dialogue is just stiff as a brick. This also could use some shortening along with a drastic improvement on the thought process of certain characters. I don't mean to shit on your parade because I do know you put a lot of hard work into this but honestly, this just isn't good. -Incorrect3